Being Locked Away: The Major Fear of a Man in Relationships

One day, out of no where, I got locked away. In Miami, with no family, I called the only person I could call: the woman I had been dating for a few weeks. That was a fearsome call.

You see, we had just met and she had quickly become special to me. After years of poor relationship choices, I felt I had finally turned the page. And I didn’t want to screw up, like I had done in other relationships.

But how do you call a woman you just met, to tell her you just got locked away?

I didn’t have a choice. My parents live in St. Thomas, Virgin Islands. They couldn’t help. I am an only child, so there was no sibling to call. I had lived in Miami for less than a year, so didn’t have many strong relationships. Even though we had only known each other a short time, she was the one I felt cared about me the most. It made sense to call her. But, I was afraid to call her.

Would calling her while locked away ruin my chances?

So much was going right. We had the beginnings of a beautiful relationship. I was about to sign a major contract for some group work with children. And, the program was being looked at by major players in Miami so the opportunities for expansion were great.

Maybe I could just disappear for a few, until I was arraigned. Then I could come up with some excuse for why I hadn’t called or returned her calls. Maybe her life would be so busy that she wouldn’t even notice I was MIA. If I call her, I might lose her…and that would make this situation far worse.

This is the major fear of a man in relationships

Maybe not that he would be locked away. But, that the woman he’s with would stop loving him if things turned for the worse in his life. As we struggle in this life, we have highs and lows. And, Society defines a man on the basis of those highs and lows. The highs are evidence of good character. The lows, bad character. And so, a man naturally fears being brought low by life and losing those he loves and needs.

And this is the sentiment expressed by Rock City on “Locked Away,” from their new album “What Dreams Are Made Of.” In this song, they ask the questions that plague a man. Adam Levine croons: “If I got locked away and we lost it all today, tell me honestly: would you still love me the same?”

Thanks be to God, I know that.

When I was released, she left her job during a major presentation to pick me up and take me home…filling my belly with good food, before returning to her grind. In the aftermath, I lost the contract and all other momentum came to a halt. I got locked away and lost it all, but she still loved me the same.

With proof of that, nothing would prevent me from marrying her and cherishing her. (My mother even chided me: “Boy, you better get your sh*t together so you can marry that girl!” Yes ma’am. lol)

Adam continues, “If I showed you my flaws…if I couldn’t be strong, tell me honestly: would you still love me the same?”

Stereotypically, men are supposed to be tough. We aren’t supposed to have feelings. But we do. So to fit into the stereotypes, we tend to hide our feelings…we tend to hide our flaws. And it yields disastrous results.

Of course, being honest is always best. I try to help brothers understand this and allow themselves to be open to expressing their feelings. But often times it yield disastrous results for men to show their flaws. If men allow themselves to appear weak, they run the risk of losing the one who helps them continue to be strong.

Theron and Timothy ask: “Would you really ride with me? Would you be there to always hold me down? Don’t lie to me: if I didn’t have anything, I wanna know would you stick around?”

Now, the beat is wicked…classic Soca riddim. Will definitely keep you grooving and give you something to whine-up yo waist. But, don’t miss the words, ladies. Because for better or worse, a man wants to know if the woman he’s with would still love him if she knew him…would she still love him if he exposed himself as someone with emotions and flaws. And until he knows that, he will remain distant and unavailable.

So, can you alleviate his fears? Will you still love him the same? If you can, then you will give him space to be available to you…putting his guard down and showing you the love you are looking for.