The Pain of a Single Dad on Mother’s Day

Reading all the posts about Mother’s Day on Facebook and Twitter combined with listening to Burning Spear to prepare me for church this morning, made me think of this song by Sizzla: Thank You Momma.

This was and is my favorite song for mothers. When I had my hiphop radio show on WVUD in Delaware, I would play this song during the show preceding and following Mother’s Day. To this day, I know when my mother calls because this song is her ringtone.

Listening to this song, this morning, I broke down in tears. Thinking of all my mother has loved me through…all the pain and suffering caused by me trying to find myself – my way…His way. As I sit behind these keys to type this, my eyes well-up again. (I love you mummah!)

Yet, as I sat and wept, my weeping shifted from a focus on myself and my mother to my son and his. You see: I’m a single father. And on Tuesday my son turns nine. He’s been with me for six years now. He hasn’t seen his mother in four.

I wonder his inner thoughts about mother’s day…I cry for him. I try to help him understand. And, as I listen to the song again the way to help becomes more clear. Today at church, they were passing out roses for mothers. The coerced my son to come and “take some roses for your mother.” He’s so gracious that he simply smiled and went to receive the roses. But, I could see his pain – I could feel his pain. I could feel my pain for him…and for myself.

Despite his pain, my son too can say – should say – thank you momma: for the nine months she carried him through. Truly, I want him to be able to be thankful for: no one knows the pressure she bears – only her. And, the depths of her love are shown in that when push came to shove, she loved him enough to give him to me.

Many times when I hear folk talking about single parents, there’s an air of disdain for the absent parent (usually a father). And, sometimes it’s warranted. We can look at a situation – I can look at my situation – and find reasons to criticize the other.

Yet, I think of my son. How would my judgments affect his development? How would my ability to help him reconcile his thoughts impact his future relationships? I’m I helping him to love…allowing him to break the cycle of brokenness? Or, am I subconsciously passing along pain that will be expressed in how he’s able to love women and his subsequent children? And because I think of my son, I look for and focus on his mother’s love for him.

Nevertheless, I feel the pain and at times it’s overwhelming.

I remember my son thinking that although his mother and I would never be together again, maybe we would live together, and having to explain to him why that couldn’t happen. I remember crying with my son as he tells me all he wants is a woman in our life: one who could be a mother to him. I remember the times we’ve come close to having that, only for his heart to be broken because of adult decisions.

I want that for him too. For, no matter how hard I try I will never love exactly like a mother. I want him to remember the scent of a mother…the touch of a mother…the feel of a mother. I remember those things, and those things help me to carry on in my periods of isolation. I love my father too – he’s a wonderful father and a loving father. Yet, the smells and touch of my dad are NOT what I long for! #NoDisrepect Dad! LOL

So I live with that pain. I embrace that pain. For eerily, that pain has been liberating. And, by not hiding that pain I help my son to embrace his pain and liberate himself.

Mother’s Day is different for us…and different for many. Yet, it provides us all with times of reflection. What will our reflections be? Will we reflect in ways that breath life unto ourselves and those around us? Do you?

Happy Mother’s Day!